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Psalm 139:4 'For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. 

More often than not I am speechless. I have so many frustrating thoughts and feelings I experience of which at times I simply cannot put into words, especially verbally. This inability to effectively communicate myself to those close to me makes it the more frustrating for me as well as for others, I'm sure. I can hardly pinpoint triggers myself, much less explain them once I have some kind of idea where these feelings might have come from. It's as if I've learned so well to be utterly passive in any circumstance that when I experience extreme emotion now, I'm caught off-guard and cannot trace the roots of my emotions. Other times I am numb, yet I expect to be emotionally connected. It's as if my emotions are constantly in conflict with the words I'm telling myself in response to everything that happens. I tell myself something doesn't bother me, or that I'm trusting and carefree. And then I am pushing people away, I'm angry, I'm crying. I have so many... pictures and ideas? running through my head, but no words to tie them together. I just sit wrongly befuddled and irritated. Nothing used to bother me, and now I get heated so easily. Then I am so numb when I obviously should be touched or wrecked. Am I truly trying to protect myself in some way? Maybe I'm becoming a real person, ha. Entering the battle. Much like my spirit warring against my flesh, but more so my heart warring against my mind, although some consider them the same. Maybe I'm learning to be honest with myself. Maybe I'm crazy. I only pray I'm not letting my flesh take control. I hope this is either a result of or the working toward growth and not of recession. Perhaps it is both.

I have learned and continue to learn to not let my feelings and even my thoughts rule me, although sometimes they receive more victory than I intend for them. That's why I desperately need truth to reign in my heart. That's why I must daily seek the Lord and meditate on His Word as often as I may.

I always heard that life is a battle, a race, that it only gets harder... but I guess I believed differently or thought I'd get used to it and it would become easy. However, such is not the case. I feel like I was such a strong little girl. I thought I understood so much and could go through anything. Now I feel I'm a fool when I have to relearn the basics.  Perhaps Christ is building upon foundation that has already been laid. Perhaps he is fixing some cracks and holes. Regardless, I know I must trust Him and humbly submit to His will and His teachings every day. I love His doctrines and His discipline. He is so good to me to not leave me the sad & helpless being I am without Him. He is everything to me.

Lord God, You are my rock and my fortress. You are my strength and my shield. You are Truth, You are Life, You are Love, You are Lord. My hope is in you.