But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry. II Tim 4:5

Like a child I am.

I've watched you for a while

You don't like to show how you feel inside

Yeah, I've watched you for a while

You bottle up your emotions and your pride

Oh, but it still slips out in moments

And it slips out in your smile

Yeah, it slips out in moments

And it slips out in your eyes

I don't care who you say you are

Oh 'cause I see the way that you look in my face

Though you hide in your mysteries

I hear the way that you call my name

So give into me 

Just say yes to me

I just can't take it anymore

You've gotta be mine, be mine

I bought you, I paid the price

I've called you out and I've claimed you as mine

You keep running, running away from me

You keep hiding, hiding in shame from me

     This is another song by Laura Hockett. I was listening to this early this morning when I was running. As I began listening to the word, I at first thought this song was from one human to his or her lover. And then I heard her sing the 2nd verse (last stanza) and it broke me. How could I not realize the Lord was speaking to me? As I was trying to run out the stress in my gut, I felt exactly as I did when I was little and my dad held me while I had my last big tantrum as a child and he didn't let go until I gave into him by giving up my will. It was out of love- to "break my will but not my spirit" as my mom always reminds me. This morning as I ran I was fighting the Lord in the same way and trying to slip out of his tight grasp so much I could almost "feel" it physically as my mind brought me back to the stress I felt when I was little & in my dad's arms fighting as if I, a little 2-year old girl, could win against his strength and love. Ha. I just wanted to have my own way, but he knew sometimes we just don't get our way and I am going to have to learn how to deal with it.
  
     Here I am now almost 20, and I'm still just like that little two-year-old child in my Father's arms fighting and having a tantrum;  And in my tantrum, He won't let go, and He won't leave me to my own devices because I'm just a child with much growing to do ... And so I hear these words telling me about me: how I bottle emotions and pride up and don't show my feelings. And how He bought me and calls out to me, yet I keep running and hiding in shame... and so He speaks to me through this song saying, "give into me...say yes to me... I can't take it anymore, you have to be mine". And I realize that's how I've been wanting to be desired all along.

     He wants to break my will without destroying my spirit. He knows that I have to learn this, or else I will throw tantrums every time I don't get my way. This is a long fight, and I'm trying to let go and give in.

Laura Hockett is just killin me!

What do I do here in the waiting?

What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?

What do I do here in the waiting?

Here in the tension of believing again and again and again

'Cause there's a lack, there's a gap in my soul

Between the things that I believe and I know

Holy Spirit, You who fill

All-in-all come and fill me

Holy Spirit, come hold me together

I fall into grace again.

Like a child I am.

Even now I will sing.

Another song by Laura Hockett that is coming to my aid right now:

There is no pit too deep

that Jesus cannot reach

There is no sorrow too strong

that would overtake his beloved one

And He's brought me to the wilderness

where I will learn to sing

And He lets me know my barrenness

so I will learn to lean

So kind.

Oh Beautiful Mercy,

Do what you have to do.

Jealous Lover, 

Do what you have to do.

You know the best way.

I will sing, I will sing

even in this brokenness

I will sing

even in this loneliness.

It's difficult right now for me to claim every word in this song, but it is a choice and I've decided. I will sing, though it hurts so much sometimes. This doesn't feel like Mercy, but do what you have to do, Lord.  I will trust you and I will sing.