Yes, today a new doctor I visited told me that I am emotionally retarded. As harsh as that sounds, I am hardly offended and more enlightened.
He figured out by talking to me for about 5 minutes or less that I am an extremely visual person and told me I "think too much with my eyes". He guessed that I was great at reading music, which is correct. He also guessed that I am not so great at playing by ear, which I'd have to disagree with most days (yes, visually I am much better than by ear, however if I really listen I do great- I just have to remember to listen). Though I'm okay at playing by ear, he told me something about me that virtually no one but my dad knows about the way I think, specifically in regards to playing music: I hear music, translate it to something visual in my mind, and translate it back to sound. For example: I might see the c-minor scale as the days of the week with a flatted Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday...or I might see a picture of something that I play back into the music I heard... or it could be as simple as just imaging the keyboard when asked to sing a major 4th, and then translating the vision into what it would sound like. It could also mean seeing the music I hear on an imaginary score, and visa versa. (There are many other examples, but I'll spare you.) This might be confusing for much of the population; however, I understand because this is exactly what happens and it is quite difficult for me to thoroughly explain what visually goes on in my mind, or perhaps I just don't really feel like it at the moment. The point is that I am extremely visual- much more so than most musicians- which is not musically such a great thing for performing, although it works, though I personally think it's a helpful tool in teaching music to kids.
The visual part of me is infused into almost every aspect of the way I think. Emotionally, this is a problem. My doctor suggested (confidently informed me in a matter-of-fact manner, rather) that I am trying to "see" my emotions, and emotions are just not to be visualized, but felt. He seemed quite familiar with the piano, thus he was able to paint a picture for me: He asked if I would be able to hear the difference between a technically-skilled pianist and one who can passionately, emotionally play the instrument well. I told him I could, especially if I were there to watch his performance, though I could probably hear it as well if I closed my eyes and listened intently. He said that emotionally I have a range of about 22 notes, for example, on the middle of the keyboard (out of 88)- or for a vocalist, the comfortable middle range that just about every one can sing; however, when I play the high notes and the low notes (emotionally), my fingers are just there, but I'm not able to play lyrically or musically or with feeling; His objective was to "add a few notes" to my "emotional range" so that I may become more accustomed to feeling emotions outside of the range I am comfortable in now which is extremely small, he says. He could tell that I was not skilled at "going deep" with people at all, really, and that I had become "retarded... emotionally".
This explains why I get so dang frustrated concerning my feelings and lack of feelings. This might explain why I rarely cry when people die or when anything depressing happens, really. This might explain why I hardly ever get super excited even if I'm very joyful. This might explain why it is so stinkin hard for me to describe to people what I'm feeling pretty much any time I'm asked. This might explain why I cry at absolutely nothing and have anxiety attacks, though I'm not 100% convinced yet, and most psychologists would disagree, I believe.
Anyhoo, after speaking with me for a while, the doc did some sort of back treatment and then helped me learn how to breathe in different places than what I'm used to. By the end, there was more color in the room, I was a "more pleasant person to be with" because I was finally calm, perhaps more in touch with my feelings, and I staggered out of the room saying "whoa" because I wasn't really sure what happened and I was dizzy from the breathing practice and all that... haha. I don't see how the treatment could greatly impact my frustrating OCD tendencies, but we shall see! I'll have learned how to breathe well, at least, and that can be very important for living life calmly and naturally. Gaining a better insight into the way I think is also beneficial. I'll be back next week ready to discuss whether the treatment changed anything or not. Hmmm...!
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Sep. 07
Actually I decided over the week end that I will not be returning. I'm not comfortable with it, and he only confused me more, really. I haven't noticed any changes.
